December 16, 2021

The morning started out like any other Thursday morning during the school year.

I woke up early to get the kids' school items ready, hustling about the kitchen sipping my coffee and going over my “To Do” list in my head.  

A short time later, my two children crawled out of bed and into my lap. They snuggled there while my husband, Tyler and I talked about what plans we had for the day.  

I shared, “I’m going to have a mammogram this morning and then I have to finish some things up for school.”  

Maya and Lincoln asked “What’s a mammogram?”  

"It’s where they take a picture of mommy’s boobies,” I said. 

They both snickered. Maya asked, “Do your boobs have to smile pretty?” while laughing.  

“Of course!” I replied, smiling widely.  

I dropped them off at school and headed to my mammogram appointment.

A heavy sensation weighed on my heart, “Calm down Ashley, everything is going to be fine,” I quietly told myself as I made my way up the steep hill to the clinic.  “It’s just dense breast tissue.”  

While changing out of my clothes into my gown, I looked at my breasts in the mirror again and thought, “What if I am making this all up in my head? What if I am overreacting for nothing?” 

The mammogram technician was warm and friendly. We started with my right breast.  Imaging went okay, not too painful. “Okay, maybe I can relax. Maybe it will all be okay.” I hoped.

“Okay, now I will have you take your arm out of your left sleeve,” the technician said.  I did as I was told.  “Oh” she said, coming in closer to take a look while prepping my left breast. Her tone and mannerism changed instantly upon touching my breast and getting the first image in place.  

From there, she quickly took what felt like double the amount of images she had taken compared to my right breast. When she finished imaging, she immediately moved me into ultrasound talking at a much faster rate than when I first met her moments ago. 

Panic started to set in, “Sh**. sh**. sh**. I was right. Why aren’t they telling me anything?”

The ultrasound technician was equally as warm and inviting as the mammogram one but with a more focused, determined look to her face while completing the ultrasound images.

I tried asking a bunch of small talk questions to ease the tension in the room, my questions went unanswered.  “F***. F***. F***. Why is she taking out the ruler again? Why won’t she tell me what’s going on?”

“I’m going to have the Radiologist review these images and if she wants anymore she’ll let us know,” she said as she left the room.

In a hot second, both the ultrasound technician and Radiologist were back in the room, the technician grabbing the wand again and the Radiologist barely getting out a “Hi.” “ How is your clotting? Are you on any blood thinners?”

“Ummm, my clotting is good.  No, I’m not on any blood thinners.  I just had labs done yesterday and they all looked good.” I said, unsure of what any of her questions meant.

The Radiologist and ultrasound technician resumed talking and moving quickly amongst themselves with the wand over my left breast and armpit area.

“Okay, we need to biopsy these masses quickly,” the Radiologist announced abruptly.  The ultrasound technician said, “What if I can make it happen today. Right now?” Both of them looked over at me for a response.

“Yes. Of course. I could do it today.”  I replied wondering in my head, “Masses? Like cancer masses?”

“Great.” said the ultrasound technician.  “I’m going to move you into a new office while I get things set up,” as she hurriedly moved me into a room that looked to be a doctor’s office.

She shut the door and left me stunned with disbelief. The room was quiet but it felt anything but still.

“What just happened? Why are they talking so quickly and moving so quickly?  Why am I in this office?”  I said to myself as my heart felt like it was about to burst out of my chest.

“What the hell does it mean they have to biopsy these masses quickly? Masses? Masses are cancer. Why aren’t they giving me any more information?”

I called my mom, she’ll know how to make sense of all of this.  It went to voicemail.  A text shot up, “Can I call you later?”  “She must be working,” I thought.

“Tyler, I’ll try Tyler. Maybe he’ll say something to calm my irrational brain.”  Nothing. Went to voicemail.  He must be on a call too.

“Dad, I’ll try my dad”.  “Come on dad, pick up.”  Again, voicemail.  Text, shot up “Can I call you later?” “Shit, dad is working too.”

“I’ll text my mom what’s going on,” I thought at least it will help me process.

“I have some suspicious masses on my breast that they want to biopsy. Rather than wait they want to try to get them done today. I’m waiting for them to set things up now. I’ll keep you posted. Love you.” Send text. 

Seconds later my mom texts back, “WHAT!!!” she calls too, I answer shakingly, “You just had a mammogram done and it was good I thought,” she exclaimed.

“MOM, that was in February of 2019. It was still bugging me so I asked for another one for peace of mind after my physical was done,” I said. “What did they say?” she asked.  

“Not much. They were moving around so quickly and talking so quickly to me.  As soon as I took my arm out of my left sleeve, as soon as I did it, I could tell by the way she was moving and interacting with me that it was not good.” I said as tears started to prick my eyes.

“Well, whatever it is, we are going to face it together. We have to think positive thoughts until we know more,” my mom said.  

A knock on the door.  The ultrasound technician is back in the room to prepare me for my biopsy.

As I enter the room where they will complete my biopsy, my hands are cold and clammy and my feet feel like they weigh a ton. The technician is going over the risks of the procedure with me and has continued to talk at such a fast rate of speech it's hard to process it all.

“Maybe, I’m just dreaming.” I hope one last time as I lay on the exam table as she places a bolster on my side to help the Radiologist get a good position for the biopsy procedure.  

The Radiologist enters the room and explains that she is going to numb the two areas on my left breast using a needle prior to entering the device that will obtain the biopsy materials. 

The Radiologist explains each step thoroughly prior to doing it, “Okay, now I am going to numb the area.  You should feel pressure but not pain, how are you doing?” she asks.

“I’m fine. Do whatever you need to do to get as much information as possible.” I state as tears start to well up in my eyes.  

She takes the first biopsy, “click,” I hear from the biopsy needle.

No longer being able to be in the dark while having biopsy samples collected, I stated hesitantly, “What is going on here? I have a medical background and all of this is making me worried.”  

The Radiologist sets down her materials, puts her hands on my shoulder and looks in my eyes and states, “I am going to be very honest with you, I am really worried.  We are doing this really quickly because we need to get the ball rolling.”  

Tears gushed down my face, “I knew, I knew,” I said out loud.  “Even my doctor said it was normal dense breast tissue,” I told her.  

She looked at me very seriously and said, “I am so proud of you, YOU did the right thing.  You listened to your body.  You should have come in, you absolutely should have.”

She finished collecting the remaining biopsies and attempted to do my lymph node that also was suspicious for involvement but said, “It has too many vascular pieces around it. I don’t want to biopsy it and have you bleed too much.  You have been through enough today, we don’t need to send you to the hospital in an ambulance.” 

The Radiologist then took the time with the ultrasound wand and showed me the two masses and the various areas of calcifications around my left breast.  

“If you had to guess, what stage or grade do you think it is?” I asked.

She said “I’m thinking it's at least stage two but that's why we wanted to do it today so we can get a plan together quickly.”  

“Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking and making the time for me today, I really appreciate it.” I replied gratefully.

Then the Radiologist said to me, “This afternoon I want you to call your primary care doctor and have her order a breast MRI and get it scheduled ASAP to keep the momentum going. My notes will be in the chart so she should have the information she needs to do it.”

Then she shared, “You will get the pathology results released to you via Mychart, if you don’t want to know the results, don’t look.”

“Don’t look! Don’t look! There is no way I’m not looking.  I have to know. I have had these problems since February of 2019!” I thought to myself.

I quickly got my clothes on and walked angrily to my car. “AAAAHHHHHH, WHAT. THE. F***? WHAT THE F***? WHAT THE F***? WHAT THE F***?” 

I get to my car and the tears start dripping.

“DENSE BREAST TISSUE. DENSE BREAST TISSUE. Dense breast tissue is what they said it was but it wasn’t. I WAS RIGHT! I AM ALWAYS RIGHT!”

I called Tyler, he picked up.  I explained everything that happened while sobbing.  “Calm down. Let's wait until we get the results.  It could all be nothing” he said.  

“This isn’t helping me feel better,” I said to him.  “I AM MAD! EVEN MY PRIMARY WASN’T WORRIED! I ASKED FOR THE MAMMOGRAM!” “I need to go,” I said to Tyler.  

Tyler said, “I’ll meet you at home, I’m heading there now.” 

I was too shaky and angry to drive.  

“I need to complete the stress cycle, I need to cry this out.” I said to myself

I called my mom enraged and said, “IT’S F***ING CANCER MOM. IT'S F***ING CANCER. THE DOCTOR SAID SHE THINKS AT LEAST A GRADE TWO! MOM, THIS F***ING TUMOR HAS BEEN GROWING SINCE FEBRUARY OF 2019! WHAT IF THIS F***ING KILLS ME? WHAT IF I DIE? WHAT IF I DON’T GET TO WATCH MY CHILDREN GROW UP?”

I SCREAMED AND I SOBBED AND SCREAMED SOME MORE!

“I AM ANGRY! I KEPT FEELING LIKE I WAS CRYING WOLF! SHE EVEN SAID, “NORMAL BREAST EXAM JUST DENSE TISSUE” AT MY APPOINTMENT!” I shouted to my mom.

“We are going to get through this honey.  You have a big team behind you.  Whatever it is, we will get through this.  You are strong.  You’ve gotten through so much already, you will get through whatever this is too,” my mom says in a calming voice.  

“BUT WHAT IF I DON’T GET TO GET THROUGH THIS, WHAT IF THIS KILLS ME?” I shout again.  

I start to drive while my mom is literally reminding me of all the reasons why I will get through this next detour in my life journey.    

*

I first wrote this in the weeks after December 16, 2021. Almost four years later, I can hardly believe how much has changed. Some of those early, raw emotions have softened with time, but revisiting this reminds me of the incredible strength that comes from simply continuing. If you’re in that tender space right now, give yourself grace—let your feelings surface and release them without judgment.