Breast Friend

BREAST FRIEND

Let me start off by saying my tribe of friends is phenomenal, like the most loyal, compassionate and fun-loving bunch a girl could ask for.  Thanks girls, I love you!

I wasn’t really looking to add to my tribe but I wasn’t actively not looking, (This sounds like a dating situation, doesn’t it?:)) but then there was Amy.  Her willingness to share with me intimate details of her journey and hold space for me to process mine felt like something out of a movie.  

“Like this type of human doesn’t exist in real life, right?” I thought to myself.

But I can assure you  she does!  Amy definitely checks all the boxes, here is our story: 

My husband Tyler works for a large accounting firm and his busy season doesn’t run with the typical tax season as one might expect, it bounces around each year depending on when the government makes the new market tax deadline due.  This year it happened to fall during Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and me getting diagnosed with cancer!  Not the best timing, hey?

Tyler had shared with a few selected co-workers what I was going through and we as a family were experiencing. 

It gave them a better understanding of why it was so hard for him to focus during a time when he needs to have utmost concentration on his work.  

One of those coworkers (whom I shall refer to as  “S”  said to Tyler, “This sounds exactly like my friend Amy from college! Do you want me to see if Amy will talk with Ashley?”   

Tyler replied, “Let me ask Ashley and see what she thinks.”

Well, of course I told him, “Heck yeah! If she’s willing to talk with me.  I don’t want to take up too much of her valuable time though.”

“S” sent an email to both Amy and I to connect. I could have never imagined how much that fateful connection would change how I viewed my diagnosis, treatment and outlook on cancer but Amy has done all that for me.

I sent Amy an email providing her with a short timeline as to how everything transpired for me. She replied instantly.  

In her reply email, she validated my feelings instantly and shared her story with me.

This is Amy’s story and my reaction to reading about it: 

Amy noticed a lump shortly after her second son was born, she waited a bit for her hormones to settle after pregnancy and starting nursing.

At her one month check-up with her obstetrician (OB), she shared her concern for the lump she felt when she was nursing her precious baby boy.  

Her OB assured her it was just fibrous tissue and that she should come in for a mammogram when she was all done nursing.  

“What?!” I thought in my head while reading her story.

“What if she wants to nurse for years?? That’s ridiculous!” I added.

The lump kept nagging her, her body kept sending her whispers.  She called back a few months later and advocated for an ultrasound.  

She had to find another doctor before she could get the ultrasound she so much wanted, to which the doctor said “There’s no way something that huge could be cancer!”

“What is going on here? Why did she have to push so hard? Why are young women continually being ignored and made to feel like we don’t know our own bodies?” I thought while my heart raced at the all too familiar theme and similarities in our stories.  A pit started to form in my stomach.

As hard as it was, I continued to read on at a fierce pace while the sadness and anger boiled up inside me.

When she finally got the ultrasound the radiologist flagged it for a biopsy on sight!

“Sounds so freaking familiar!!” I thought.

She added, “The hardest part for me was that my youngest was only 5 months old and I was still breastfeeding, it was such an emotional and abrupt ending to his nursing journey.”

“Damn, what a traumatic thing on top of an already traumatic situation,” I thought while starting to cry.

Guess what? Amy’s cancer is also in her left breast, biopsy results showed triple positive breast cancer too (ER+, PR+ and HER2+) with lymph node involvement!!  Identical to mine!!!

She shared with me where she was in the treatment process, that she had completed a total of 20 weeks of chemotherapy before surgery but the latter part of the chemo? was more tolerable.  

Amy had also recently undergone a bilateral mastectomy with spacer placement for when she is ready for reconstruction! She said the surgery wasn’t as painful as she told herself it would be.  

Here’s the kicker, she was so happy to be 6 weeks out of surgery so she could finally pick up her baby again.  

“Ahh, that is ANOTHER layer of torture!” I started to cry again imagining my sweet babies wanting me to pick them up but not being able to.

She too will need to continue chemo after her mastectomies but only with one of the four chemo drugs, a HER2 targeted one.  When she is all said and done with chemo, she will have undergone chemo treatment for one year and 5 months.

“Damn, when you see her write it like that it seems like such a long time!” I thought.

I continued to read on. The additional time for chemo, Amy reported, was due to the pathology of her tumor.

“I wonder what I will find out after I have my surgery, what if I will require more time too?” I said to myself.

She was also scheduled to start radiation at the end of January/early February and be on endocrine therapy for 10 years.

“Shit, 10 years!! Ahh, will the bad news ever end?!” I wondered.

The end of her email said she looked forward to talking with me and hearing about what I am going through.  That she was happy to share anything I was interested in learning about from her perspective and experience.  She told me not to be afraid to ask her things…that her boobs were not so private anymore she concluded.

I chuckled at the last statement, “Yeah, my boobs don’t feel so private anymore either!” 

She left me with her phone number at the bottom of the message.

My heart was pounding at this point, “I have to call her!”

I had already felt such a connection! I also felt excited and nervous at the same time!

“Would she feel the same way about me?” I wondered as I dialed her number.

Our first conversation was so validating, hearing her tell her story and share what her inner thoughts were during the really hard times.

Like when she thought, “Oh, my god what if I die?  I need to record myself reading stories to my babies so they remember me.” She said to me through tears.

I was crying too because these were my thoughts too! The thought of leaving our babies was too much, too much to handle during those dark moments!

I don’t know how long our first conversation was because it flew by. 

I hid in Tyler’s closet so my family wouldn’t find me.  I didn’t want our conversation to end.  I felt like I finally found someone who truly got the mind fuckery and experience that is cancer.

I felt seen and heard!

Guess what? She had dense breast tissue too!

We literally touched base on every topic and were astounded by how similar our cancer journey has been as well as how similar we were in personalities.

Amy too went to University of Wisconsin Madison at the same time as me!!

“We probably passed each other on the street or were at the same party!!” I said excitedly to Amy.

She has two babies, I have two babies! She is 38, I am 38!  She loves hard, I love hard!

I shared with Amy how disheartened I was with my care that I was receiving, how hard I had to advocate and push for my diagnosis and now too with my treatment.

Amy gave me so many resources and pushed me to pursue a second opinion even though the one at UCM fell through.  She provided me with contact information for the Breast Center she receives care from.

She also shared how saddened she was that we had to fight so hard to be seen and heard by the medical community in pursuit of the whispers our bodies were sending that something wasn’t right.

“How is it that we both have Masters Degrees, have the time, ability and resources to push for answers and we STILL had this much trouble?” We both said out loud.

“What about the others?” We followed up, “What about the single moms working two jobs who don’t have the time to wait on the phone to make the various appointments and then go to said appointments only to be told ‘you’re fine’ when they know they are not but they have too much on their plate to fight?” 

Somberly we knew, “Those are the women who die.” 

“Jeez, we have to do something to save ALL women!” We said. 

Amy reassured me and validated me at least 1,000 times during our conversation!!  

I don’t know how it happened or who said it first but we declared that we were going to be “BREAST FRIENDS FOREVER!” 

Look, if you are going to have breast cancer and you find someone who literally lights the way down the dark, convoluted path and makes it a little less scary, that’s winning the lottery right there, the BREAST FRIEND lottery!!

Amy and I have become fast breast friends, our first correspondence was January 1, 2022 and the date I type this post is February 1, 2022!  In this short period of time, she has transformed my life and my journey.

My husband, my parents, everyone knows about Amy and when I come up to a question or thought, they instantly say to me, “Can you ask Amy?”

She showed up at my house with the most precious care package one morning a few weeks ago and it literally felt like I had known her forever!  

Her warm smile, loving hug and thoughtful gifts to help me get through chemo, touched my soul in a way that I was not expecting.

While I am certain, I will not do justice the amount of time and resources she has provided me thus far, here is a list that comes to mind:

1. Contact info for second opinion at her healthcare facility, including the most amazing nurse navigator.

   1. Getting this second opinion was such a positive experience and provided me with the reassurance that my treatment was appropriate.

2. Contact info for oncology dietician 

   1. This too has been transformative in my care.  Guiding me through plant based food options, fasting before and during chemo as well as management of chemo symptoms through diet. Life altering!

3. Recommendation for removal of hormonal intrauterine device (IUD) 

   1. Amy shared with me that her treatment team made sure that her IUD wasn’t hormonal as that would counteract the anti-hormone chemo regimen we are undergoing to kill the cancer cells!

   2. I had my hormone based IUD removed as a result after consulting and verifying this with my oncologist.

4. Cryotherapy for hands and feet neuropathy

   1. Amy shared with me that she iced her hands and feets during her chemo to lessen the impacts of the neuropathy symptoms that can occur as a side effect of chemo.

   2. The oncology dietician and medical oncologist I saw for my 2nd opinion also encouraged this and provided me with evidence-based research articles on its effectiveness.

5. Use of Claritin before injections

   1. Two days after chemo you give yourself injections for your bones to make white blood cells.

   2. Taking Claritin before the injections can lessen the bone pain.

6. Ceasing use of vitamins

   1. Amy shared that her treatment team recommended she stop taking vitamins as right now we are trying to kill cells, not regenerate and grow them. Kill the f***ing cancer, not provide them with nourishment.

7. Sharing with me intimate details of her hair loss journey

   1. Sending me pictures of when she started to lose her hair, this was powerful!

   2. Amy checked in with me during my hair loss journey, sometimes hourly.

   3. I knew that I would be okay because she showed me I would be okay!

8. Mental health guidance.  Cancer requires a level of mental toughness like no other.

   1. We talked about how the effects of chemo doesn’t just change your physical body but also your mind.

   2. We discussed that cancer and chemo changed the board game we are used to operating when life gets tough, sometimes it feels like we  keep rolling “go back three spaces.” 

   3. We don’t look the same and we don’t feel the same.

   4. We talked about when and if to take anti-anxiety and depression medications

9. Sharing light and happy moments with our family, especially our kids

   1. WE are not just “BREAST CANCER!”  But we are also wives, mothers, daughters, friends, etc. who happen to have breast cancer.  Sharing these moments of our lives is important too.

I want to say an extra special THANK YOU to my BREAST FRIEND, Amy!

Thank you for so honestly, vulnerably and lovingly sharing with me your experience and knowledge of navigating through the difficult detour of breast cancer.  

Your presence in my life has lifted some of the heaviness of this current situation and for that I am incredibly appreciative,  BREAST FRIENDS FOREVER!

You will hear me mention Amy throughout my posts because we both have a story to tell and have a passion for wanting to help others!  She’s too precious and valuable not to share with others! :)