Hair You Are

Hair.  It’s just a collection of tough proteins called keratin that anchor into your skin, right?

Just a massive amount of dead cells sitting on top of your head, yes?

So then, why do we spend massive amounts of time, energy, money, and love combing, styling and coloring our hair?

Because like the shape of our eyes or maybe the way your dimple pierces your outer cheek when you smile, it's a part of us.  

It’s a part of what makes us, us.  Down to the length of our hair, the color, the texture.

Hair can transform us, transform our mood. 

Hair tells us stories.  It shares our rich history and traditions.  

I didn’t appreciate or realize all of these things until I had none. 

Until I was looking in the mirror and didn’t recognize who was looking back at me.

I would lean closer into the mirror as if, “Maybe, if I get closer I will recognize the person reflecting back at me?”

I did research and looked into options for trying to preserve my hair such as “cool capping” which is basically for the hair what cryotherapy is for the hands and feet.  

Cool capping consists of wearing a cool cap or cap with ice on top of your head before, during and after administration of certain chemo drugs.

I was fitted for a cool cap and received training on it during a medical oncology appointment but ultimately decided not to pursue it because it was a “maybe” it might work.

Like the stat that was shared with me was, “50% of women who use cool capping felt comfortable leaving their house without a wig.”

“Okay, so I have to pay $2,000 out of pocket for the cool cap therapy and then might still need to purchase a wig??” I thought to myself.

Sooo, I decided I would forgo cool cap therapy and “see what happens.”

I do want to put a plug here for those reading who may be contemplating cool cap therapy. My friend, Emily, who is also going through the exact same chemo regimen as me used it during all six cycles and was happy with the results.

Emily said, “I have about 60% of my hair still and if you didn’t know me, you wouldn’t notice the amount I have lost.”

Okay, back to processing my hair loss…

Like a lot of things in life, you don’t know how you are going to feel or react until it happens.

I thought that I was confident enough in my own body and skin that my hair loss wouldn’t be as devastating for me as it was for others.

“I am more than my hair!” I thought before I started losing it.

I think, for me, part of my processing of my hair loss and really all of the changes that my body was going through and still have left to go through is based on the construct of gender.  

I know that the constructs of gender are entirely defined by societal expections of how one should act and look based on the sexual reproduction organs one was assigned at birth.  

I know that they are entirely made up but I too am working through and redeveloping my own schema for how I identify.  

Like the song says, “I AM WOMAN,” BUT am I less feminine without my hair and soon without my breasts?  

These are pieces that I am currently working through. Check back with me when I am on the other side of all of this to see what conclusion I reach.  

Another layer to the “no hair” piece is that because of my hair loss,  others know that I am sick. 

I am like a walking CANCER sign.

I am no novice to rising above other people’s opinion or perception of me. 

It's just sometimes how people approach me or act around me is different based on how they perceive me or not.

It makes some people uncomfortable to see someone without hair.  

Maybe it makes them think of their favorite aunt who died of cancer.  

Or maybe they just don’t know what to say or how to respond so it all comes out in a hot mess of uncomfortableness. 

So in thinking about whether to purchase a wig or not, my line of thinking was, “Sometimes, I just want to fly under the radar.  Sometimes, I just want to fake it.”

Just like I refuse to wear a big clunky, behind the ear hearing aid and settle for a decent, hidden, completely in the canal hearing aid so people WON’T SEE MY DIFFERENCES. 

I want to “pass,”  I want to pass in the hearing world and in the cancer one.

I reached out to several friends and family who knew something about wigs. Everyone provided tips and resources to look into, but I still felt overwhelmed.

I scoured the internet trying to find wigs that would help me feel more like me but there are so many options.

Somehow, I happened to come across The Healing Haven website which stated, “A private clinic to guide you through medical hair loss,” including cancer treatment. It went on further to state, “our hair loss specialists are well trained on modern products, the psychological impact of an extreme diagnosis and our on staff Trichologist will guide you through the science of your hair loss journey” (www.healinghavenofwi.com).

“It can’t hurt to give them a call,” I thought.

I dialed the number and left a message.

Lisa from The Healing Haven called me back and told me, “We’ll do like a 60-90 minute private consultation.  We’ll fit your head and go over all various synthetic and natural options…”

“Oh perfect, this sounds like such a safe way to figure things out.” I thought while listening to her list the various services they provide.

“Sounds great.” I said, “When can I make an appointment?” I asked Lisa when she was finished talking.

The following week, my mom and I drove to Pewaukee, Wisconsin where Lisa spent over 2 hours with me.

Friends, my appointment with Lisa at the Healing Haven of Wisconsin was fantastic and definitely exceeded my expectations.

Lisa greeted me warmly as my mom and I entered her chic beauty shop and store that was filled from top to bottom with any and all resources you could want when going through hair loss and other bodily changes as a result of cancer.  Wigs, hats, clothing, jewelry, bras, prosthetics and so much more.

I took a seat in one of the salon chairs though my head was spinning in every direction trying to see all she had inside.

“Okay, show me some pictures of how you styled your hair.” Lisa motioned towards my phone so she could get an idea of what I was looking for.

“I did a lot of messy, mom bun but when I would actually styled it, I varied between straight and soft, beach waves,” I said while flipping through my photos on my phone and stopping to show her at each one.

“Okay, you had some highlights that framed around your face,” she said noticing the fine details in my photos.

“Yes, I had lighter highlights on the top part of my head.” I conferred with her.

“Let’s talk about natural versus synthetic hair and the pros and cons for each,” as she took out measuring tape to measure the various dimensions of my head.

“You are in between a petite and small size head.” She announced while writing down the numbers.

She then proceeded to pull out so many different wigs, putting them on my head and going over the wear and care for each type.

I tried on long wigs, short wigs, blonde wigs, red wigs, synthetic wigs, natural wigs…you name it, it was probably on my head. I have pictures too! 

Ultimately, I decided to go with a natural one AND a synthetic one.

For the natural one, Lisa is custom creating a wig that will be colored, cut and styled similar to the way I wore my hair before.

The synthetic wig is brown with some highlights and will come styled in the soft beachy waves and stop just above my shoulders.

Each wig came with its own hair washing system and wig stand.

One interesting thing about the synthetic wig is that I will have to be careful cooking with it on near the oven or stove or my hair will fry from the heat.  

Lisa shared that if I want to have a particular style for my natural one such as an updo for a wedding, I just drop it off and she will make magic happen.

The experience kind of felt like when you go wedding dress shopping, exciting and fun as you show your mom the different options.  

When I finally had a wig on that looked  the way I styled and wore my hair, it felt so great to see myself reflecting back in the mirror.

I thought to myself, “HAIR YOU ARE! THERE YOU ARE!  YOU ARE ALWAYS INSIDE THERE, ALWAYS.” 

So, we’ll see how much I wear my wigs and/or if it transforms the way I think and feel each day but for now, I take this as a WIN!